DROWNING IN A SEA OF MARIJUANA - PAPERBACK

SCREAMING BATFISH BLUES

SNORTING THE DEVIL'S DANDRUFF

SAILORS SHOOT HORSE! DON'T THEY?

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

A BLAST FROM THE PAST!





THE NATIONAL LAMPOON COFFEE AND ICEBERG LETTUCE DIET!


21 DAYS TO GAUNT YOU!!


Why LCD Works Where Other Plans Fail!



Many plans fail because they rely on
portion control, a form of self sacrifice
that dieters find to be really
mean. Other plans struggle when
they become bogged down in
scientific terminology such as
“carbs,” “fats,” and “proteins,”
technical concepts that simply
overwhelm dieters.

Why This Plan Works
This plan (Plan!) works because it’s
simple and generous. With LCD, eat
and drink as much as you want,
whenever you want, for as long as
you want, with whomever you want,
wherever you are, and however you
want. And don’t worry about esoteric
concepts that throw smokescreens
onto your efforts (“insulin?” What
are we, scientists?!). That’s right, as
long as it’s iceberg lettuce and coffee,
there are absolutely no restrictions.

None at all! 
Take that, Jenny Craig!


The Plan

Phase I: Acclimation

Duration: 7 days
Meals: 3 per day, plus 2 snacks

Breakfast: 2 cups coffee, 1 cup iceberg lettuce
Snack: 1 cup coffee, 1/2 cup iceberg lettuce
Lunch: 2 cups coffee, 1 cup iceberg lettuce
Dinner: 1 cup coffee, 1 cup iceberg lettuce

Snack: 2 cups coffee, 1/2 cup iceberg lettuce

During this acclimation period, your body needs to wean itself from
the rigid pyramid food group items that “conventional” educational
sources (teachers, physicians, scientists, dieticians) have drilled
into our minds as essential. Say goodbye to meats, poultry, fish,
fruit, grains, and breads—and say hello to rich, Colombian coffee
and crisp iceberg lettuce.
Don’t be concerned if you’re doubled-over with cramps after a few
days—those are temporary feelings that subside completely by
Phase II. Those blinding pains are your body telling you that the
plan is working!
Expected weight loss: 27-32 pounds



Phase II: Tapering

Duration: 14 days (shorter if necessary)

Meals: 3 per day, plus 2 snacks

Breakfast: 2 cups coffee, 1 cup iceberg lettuce
Snack: 1 cup coffee, 1/2 cup iceberg lettuce
Lunch: 2 cups coffee, 1 cup iceberg lettuce
Dinner: 1 cup coffee, 1 cup iceberg lettuce

Snack: 2 cups coffee, 1/2 cup iceberg lettuce

This is where you’ll really start to see results. When you’re able to
drag yourself from the couch (you’ll spend a lot of time prostrate in
Phase II) you’ll be overcome with joy at your new-found Self.


Expected weight loss: 44-51 pounds

Phase III: Fit for Life

Duration: Ongoing

Meals: 3 per day, plus 2 snacks

Breakfast: 2 cups coffee, 1 cup iceberg lettuce
Snack: 1 cup coffee, 1/2 cup iceberg lettuce
Lunch: 2 cups coffee, 1 cup iceberg lettuce
Dinner: 1 cup coffee, 1 cup iceberg lettuce

Snack: 2 cups coffee, 1/2 cup iceberg lettuce

Phase III is where the magic begins. Your middle-age paunch will
be replaced by rib-cage abs, signs that your body has completely
acclimated to the LCD lifestyle. And don’t be alarmed at intermittent
blackouts or muscle failure—they’re temporary symptoms that are
byproducts of any successful weight management program.


Expected weight loss: 15% of body weight per week.


The Complete Guide to
Your Favorite Foods

The following is a list of all foods
you should feel free to enjoy
while on the Plan:

Foods to Enjoy:

VEGETABLES
Iceberg Lettuce

BEVERAGES
Coffee

Foods to Avoid:

BEEF
POULTRY
PORK
SEAFOOD
VEAL
DAIRY (milks and cheeses)
BEANS
LEGUMES
RICE
PASTA
BREADS
DESSERTS
SOUPS
PICKLES & CONDIMENTS
CEREALS
SWEETS
NUTS
EGGS
FRUITS
FATS
SEASONINGS
VEGETABLES
(except lettuce, see above)
BEVERAGES
(except coffee, see above)


Real Results: LCD Success Stories

In just 7 weeks on the Iceberg Lettuce and Coffee Diet, I dropped 137 pounds and went from a size 34 to a
perfect 2. Though I can’t stand upright, my self esteem has never been higher. Thanks, LCD! ----B. Glen, Chicago, IL

I was a bit leery about LCD after the 60 Minutes piece, but my wedding was three weeks away and I wanted to
look good. I’m happy to report that I shed 79 pounds in just 19 days. And despite the persistent gum bleeding
and total hair loss, my dress fit great! LCD works!
---M. Jackowitz, San Jose, CA

I’m a 44-year old 5’10” male who’s been active his entire life, and I never thought weight management would
be an issue that I’d need to confront. But when I recently tipped the scales at 425 pounds (I was 185 when I
turned 40), my clothes weren’t fitting right and my wife started to notice. In fact, our lovemaking had also
slowed considerably.
I began following the LCD Plan after witnessing a co-worker’s rapid success (followed by her untimely death)
two months ago. Since then, I’ve shed 220 pounds and my wife is insatiable. Muchos gracias, LCD!
---E. Gorman, Las Cruces, NM


Problems You Might Encounter

 It’s no secret that the LCD works. In addition to finding
unparalleled success in meeting your weight loss goals, you’ll gain tremendous self-confidence and a much more manageable metabolic rate. These are considerable triumphs, reassuring you that you’re on your way to a successful LCD lifestyle. And as you adapt to these changes, don’t be alarmed if you experience any or all of the following (remember, your body is correcting years of
abuse, relearning the way it needs to properly function):

• Heart Palpitations
• Hair Loss
• Migraines
• Fainting
• Short and/or Long-Term Memory Obstruction
• Incontinence (Phase III dieters only)
• Internal and External Bleeding
• Searing Stomach Pains
• Permanent Hearing Impairment or Loss
• Tooth Abscesses
• Halitosis (severe in teens and seniors)
• Bruxism

• Muscle Failure
• Bone Mass Erosion (BME)
• Ulcers
• Gout
• Parathyroid Goiters
• Rickets
• Scurvy
• Breathing abnormalities
• Liver and/or kidney damage
• Grand Mal Seizures
• Alzheimer’s (rare; death far more common—see below)

• Death


Recipes: The Complete Guide to Your Favorite Foods

This plan is nothing if not easy to follow. Intimidated by the Food Network? No
worries! Even a child can prepare these easy-to-follow recipes:

Handful o’ Lettuce
Ingredients: 1 cup iceberg lettuce
Preparation:
• Cut 1 cup of iceberg lettuce into small pieces
• Place on 10” plate
• Enjoy!

Koffee Krazy
Ingredients: 1 cup coffee, water
Preparation:

• Pour one cup steaming caffeinated coffee into mug;
• Add water to taste;

• Enjoy!

Many diets fail because they become tedious. Day after day, dieters recycle the
same tired menus, and this lack of variety—besides being nutritionally
unbalanced—leads to boredom, dissatisfaction . . . and ultimately, failure.
Not so with the LCD. We want you to succeed, and we’ve gone to great lengths to cultivate some of the most exotic meal variations offered on any diet plan. Did someone say Creole? Tex-Mex? Pub Fare? You won’t even know you’re dieting!

Creole Lettuce
Ingredients: 1 cup iceberg lettuce
Preparation:
CAUTION: Prepare in a well-ventilated kitchen!
• Pick and wash lettuce
• Combine strips of lettuce (NOT TOO THIN) in a shallow baking dish, coating
sides liberally with remaining lettuce
• Discard the bone and neck (my grandma eats them, but I can’t stand the
taste!)

• Chill before serving

Tex-Mex Lettuce
Ingredients: 1 cup iceberg lettuce
Preparation:
• Cut a 7-8 pound lettuce into 2” cubes
• Place in large mixing bowl
• Refrigerate overnight
• Stir well to mix all ingredients

• Let cool and enjoy!

Pub Fare Lettuce
Ingredients: 1 cup iceberg lettuce
Preparation:
• Roll lettuce into 4 equal-sized balls and place on baking sheet
• Preheat oven to 40o;
• Spread lettuce liberally onto 12” platters;
• DO NOT WORRY IF INGREDIENTS MIX (it’s pub food, ‘member?!)

• Enjoy!

Fusion Lettuce
Ingredients: 1 cup iceberg lettuce
Preparation:
• Completely bone and skin lettuce
• Cut into 3” slices
• Chop remaining lettuce into bite-sized strips (or chunks)
• In a large mixing bowl, prepare minced lettuce
• Let set 30 minutes or until cool
• Enjoy (my girlfriend uses chop sticks, but I don’t have the patience!)

Haute French Lettuce
(suggested wine: coffee)
Ingredients: 1 cup iceberg lettuce
Preparation:
• Peel and finely chop lettuce
• Cut lettuce into 2” strips
• Finely grind the zest of 1/8 cup lettuce
• Slice remaining lettuce peelings, making sure to remove quarters of flesh
• Toss lettuce and remove to cast iron pot
• While stirring, add remaining lettuce
• Place on 10” plate, garnish with lettuce

• Enjoy!

Eating Out and the LCD

The LCD integrates seamlessly into your busy lifestyle. Not a homebody and prefer the flexibility
of dining at your favorite restaurants? The LCD travels just fine, thank you very much!
It doesn’t take much tweaking to convert these traditional restaurant meals to LCD-compliant alternatives:

McDonald’s: Big Mac, Fries, & Diet Coke
LCD-friendly variation: remove two beef patties, special sauce, cheese, pickles, onions, bun, fries,
diet coke; add coffee.

Wendy’s: Baked Potato, Chili, Frosty
LCD-friendly variation: remove baked potato, chili, Frosty; add lettuce, coffee.

Bennigan’s: Nachos, Buffalo Wings, Fried Perch, Strawberry Sundae LCD-friendly variation: remove nachos, Buffalo wings, fried perch, strawberry sundae; add lettuce, coffee.

Morton’s Steakhouse: New England Clam Chowder Soup (chicken stock), bread basket, Jumbo Shrimp Cocktail, 32 oz. Porterhouse, Steamed Asparagus with Hollandaise Sauce, Apple Fritter
LCD-friendly variation: remove New England clam chowder soup, bread basket, jumbo shrimp cocktail, 32 oz. porterhouse, steamed asparagus with Hollandaise sauce, apple fritter; add lettuce,

coffee.


The LCD Online Store

Nothing says motivation like an LCD hat or t-shirt. Make sure you’re staying the course—shop LCD.

Customize your selections with a choice of LCD slogans like:

“Fuck Protein, Eat Lettuce”
or
“I lost 247 pounds in 4 weeks on the LCD Diet. Ask me how”

for the following items:
T-shirt
Specify size: S, XS, XXS, XXXS
$12.95 + S/H


• Low-Rise Cap
“Sports fans, shed pounds while supporting your home
team. Order yours with your favorite NFL logo”)
$16.95 ($1 more for CFL teams)

• Coffee mug
$4.95 + S/H

• Refrigerator magnets
(may not work on stainless steel appliances)
$3.95, 3/$11 + S/H

• Three-button Henley
“100% cotton—of course!
Specify size: S, XS, XXS, XXXS
$24.95 + S/H (Phase III dieters deduct $2)

LCD Suspenders
“LCD Suspenders: Take the guesswork out of your
weight loss progress. These fashionable suspenders work
great in any Phase”
Phase I (cotton)
Phase II (Kevlar reinforced)
Phase III (brass)
$17.95 + S/H

LCD Dentures
Social settings can get awkward when your teeth
crumble. Don’t risk it—LCD dentures work.
NEW! Gum mask implant—obscures unsightly gum
bleeding. Compatible with LCD Dentures
Dentures: $47.95; Gum Mask: $13.95
Save $$$$, purchase LCD Dentures and LCD Gum Mask

together: $59.95 + S/H

LCD Wigs
Hair loss? Who needs to know. LCD Wigs come in your
choice of styles:
Horseshoe pattern
Paris Hilton
Rasta Man
70’s Afro
Jackie Chan
Joyce DeWitt
Call for pricing

Bed Pans
Bed ridden? No energy to move? Avoid embarrassing
accidents. The LCD bed pan makes sense.
$32.95 (rush orders, add $4)
• Rearasil
Hide unsightly bed sores and boost confidence as you
stay the course
Recommended for Phase II users only.
$34.95 + S/H

The LCD City Tote
Let LCD integrate with your sophisticated Big-City
lifestyle. Coordinates well with any style, throughout the
year

Available in your choice of colors:
Lusty Lettuce
Leapin’ Lettuce
Luscious Lettuce
Loopy Lettuce

$24.95 + S/H