BUGHOUSE TALES #3
DESPICABLE BOB
Of all the inmates in the funhouse, Bob was the most disgusting individual in the institution. Actually he was probably the most disgusting person that I had ever met in my life.
Bob had gotten locked down for robbing a small coffee shop that was attached to the Greyhound station in Mankato, Minnesota. The problem being that Bob had coffee every morning at the exact same coffee shop that he had robbed, so it didn't take long for him to be picked up by the local cops. Bob would never be confused as a criminal mastermind like Neil McCauley in the movie Heat.
Bob first got sentenced to Stillwater Penitentiary. But not for long. Bob was quite the racist and it wasn't long before he called a convict of color a derogatory name. The inmate took exception to this racial slur and proceeded to chuck Bob off the third tier - in the process, severely fucking Bob up! It was a miracle he lived! If you want to look at it that way.
By the time the state physicians had patched him up, he had no feeling from the waste down but surprisingly could still walk. He also had a permanent catheter. He couldn't be returned to the prison in that condition so he finished out his sentence in a state hospital. In that time period he assaulted a nurse and the next thing he knew he was judged as mentally ill and was transferred to the Minnesota Security Hospital - most likely for life.
The Bobster in his mind was permanently fixed in the 70s and wore nothing but polyester pants - he didn't wear underwear because of the catheter tube than ran down to his ankle holster - and disco style shirts. He rarely showered and constantly smelled of piss. He also had a horrible diet consisting mainly of candy and decaf coffee which left him incredibly constipated.
His whole life revolved around cigarettes (Camels), candy, desserts, and decaf.
When Bob went to ECT (electric shock therapy) it smelled like someone was boiling a vat of piss and twice a week he required an enema which is where the security staff got involved - unhappily.
We always drew cards - low card lost - and the unlucky guard had to accompany Bob into his cell for the procedure after first smearing Vick's Vapor Rub into their nostrils. First the nurses had to prime Bob with 2 Fleet enemas and then the guard had to hold a gallon bag filled with soapy water that the nurses would flush him out with as he degraded them, "Oh, yah, bitch, that's it! Dig that shit out of me. You love it!" They sure as hell didn't pay those poor nurses enough!
One time when I was the unlucky guard, the smell was so overpowering that I stepped out of the cell and pushed the heavy cell door against my arm while holding the bag up in the air inside the cell.
No matter how bad his behavior was, the head nurse would always reward Bob with a cup of decaf Joe and a Camel. I would like to have rewarded him by hitting him across the back of the head with a baseball bat!
My most horrible memory of Bob was I was holding the unit cell door open while the inmates shuffled back from a trip to the canteen. Bob, of course, was the slowest since he walked the speed of a fucking tortoise.
To my horror, as Bob meandered down the ramp leading into the unit, I saw a petrified turd roll out of his pants leg and settle on the carpet.
"Hey, Bob! You left a little friend behind you!" I called out while trying to hold down my lunch.
He turned and looked at the offending turd. "Goddamnit!" He then leisurely walked back up the ramp and picked up the piece of shit!
As he walked by me, he casually tossed it into a garbage can and then walked around and got in line for his cigarette (which we handed out at certain times of the day), of course, without washing his hands.
I stood in there in disbelief, watching Bob out in the security courtyard, smoking his Camel and drinking his coffee with his shit and nicotine stained fingers.
Just enjoying his day..and his coffee.
