PISS & PERFUME: STORIES YOU MIGHT HEAR AT AN A.A. MEETING #1
To remember a wild high school party that you went to back in the 70s is a hard thing to do. Especially when your mind is starting to slip due to age - and all the booze and dope that you consumed over the years doesn't help matters.
But this one really stands out!
This guy I knew in Albert Lea (MN) high school came from a Catholic family, which meant that that they had a shitload of kids. Both parents were world class lushes and the old man was a degenerate gambler. Eventually, he'd lose the family home PLAYING CARDS at the VFW. Playing fucking cards!
In a town of of less than 19,000 - we're not talking a major metropolitan area here, he must have been stupid enough to be playing cards - and losing - to some of the toughest & meanest local dudes in the county. The kind of guys that will break your fucking legs if you don't sign over your house.
The last I heard was that any surviving members of the family currently resided in some shithole trailer park. In the same shithole town.
They were also the kind of parents that would take off for a week and leave the eldest child living at home in charge - brain surgeons they were not. The oldest at the time was this buddy of mine. So on a Saturday night, with a little persuading from his good friends, he decided to throw a small get together.
This was in the middle of winter in southern Minnesota, cold as fuck out, there wasn't shit going on, word started to spread, and before you knew it, the small get together turned into something right out of Animal House. It was like there were billboards advertising the blower posted all over town.
The ages at the party must have ranged from 14 to 24. There were kegs of beer, booze that other party goers brought along, weed galore, and of course, truckers speed. You can't have a party in a redneck town without truckers speed! I had contributed a box of nitrous oxide poppers and several heavy duty balloons. Within just a few hours, the joint was rocking and a rolling.
The host of the party was a well known lightweight. "Drink a beer, spill a beer, puke a beer, and then pass out!" could have been his drinking motto. The party had started earlier in the afternoon when a group of us had been just drinking beer and watching a hockey game, and he was already locked in his room and down for the count so he had no idea what was going on.
By about nine o'clock, there were so many fucking people in the house that you could hardly move. Some older guys took charge and moved all the living room furniture outside into the snow banks. Someone went on a beer run and "borrowed" the family car and plowed into a fireplug after losing control on the black ice. There were a group of guys playing darts and were using the family photo for a dart board. Cigarette butts and roaches were being extinguished on the carpet - either by being ground out with a foot or sizzling out on the alcohol and vomit soaked carpet.
A couple of us snuck down into the basement to smoke a joint so we didn't have to share it with the seemingly hundreds of party goers. We were hidden in a small storage space with the lights off when a friend of ours came down with this chick that he always claimed was a "hog" that he would never be caught dead screwing. He was obviously full of shit because after just a minute or two of passionate spit swapping, they dropped their pants and then reclined on the bare cement floor and proceeded to (without downing a condom) "make sweet love." Somehow they never heard us in there giggling and biting our hands trying not to be heard - especially when it was pointed out that their genitals were directly over the drain in the floor! They probably couldn't hear us over he sound of Deep Purple jamming on the stereo upstairs.
Rather going out to piss in the snow, I snuck upstairs into his parent's bedroom which had been deemed "off limits." For some crazy reason that rule was being followed but you could tear the rest of the dump down if you wanted...but stay out of the parent's bedroom! But fuck that, it was cold as hell outside and the other bathrooms were either beyond disgusting with piss and puke all over the place or couples were getting it on in there.
Before I took a leak, I was hit with a bolt of inspiration! His mother had her two favorite perfumes, I assumed they were her favorites because they were (& probably purchased at Woolworth's) aligned on a special little doiley with a cross stitched on it on the bathroom vanity. With a little bit of effort, I pried the tops of them off, poured the majority of the perfume out and filled them back up with my urine! The holes on the bottles were small making it was hard to piss in them so it took me several times to covertly sneak up to accomplish this classic mission!
Years later, when I was working at the Minnesota Security Hospital, I worked with a nurse who had been a huge drunk at one time but had kicked the habit. When I told him the perfume bottle story he told me that when he would go to parties that he'd get so shithoused that he'd sneak into the host's bedroom and take a shit under their pillows or pull the blankets back and crap on the mattress and then cover it back up. If that all failed, he'd find the laundry closet and find the folded clean towels and take a dump in one and fold it back up. Jesus Christ! Could you imagine that? Crawling into bed after a long night and then discover some asshole took a crap under your pillow!
As I was coming down the stairs after completing my task, I heard someone yell "There's a shitload of cops pulling up!"
It was damn near midnight by then. I couldn't believe that the it took the neighbors that long to call the authorities.
The stairs were close to the kitchen so I shot down the steps and ran through the kitchen and out the back door before the cops had come around the back. I jumped over a fence and hid in a shed where the neighbors were storing their snowmobiles. I hid out for at least an hour until things started to cool down and I could make my way to my car which was luckily parked about a block away and make my escape.
I actually had gotten so ripped that night that I forgot about the perfume bottles for at least a couple of weeks. I decided to keep it a secret since people tend to get riled up when they find out that their mother has been spraying on your piss before she heads off to Mass.
But about ten years later, when I was home for the holidays on leave, I bumped into my old pal and decided to tell him. Not only did the guys who were standing around listening laugh so fucking harder that a few had tears running down their faces - but the former party host had the stupidest look on his face that I'll never forget!
" I could have been a fragrance millionaire, Jerry!"
- Kramer - Seinfeld The Pick
