THE COST OF BEER AND BARFING AT THE
SUPERBOWL
Growing up in Minnesota I have personal experience & knowledge about the amount of boozing that goes on in that State. Next to the Minnesota State High School Hockey Tournament, drinking is the most popular thing going on in the frozen tundra of the Great White North. Winter or Summer.
So naturally I was curious about what the cost of a beer would be at the Superbowl which is being held today in Minnesota's temple of the Vikings - which the Vikings actually had a chance to play in if you put aside the fact that the Eagles kicked the holy shit out of them two weeks ago and in the process making them look like a second rate Arena League squad.
On the web I couldn't pin down the exact cost but the estimates seemed to be $12 for a small shit beer - Budweiser product - or a premium beer - they're probably considering Leinenkugel as a premium beer - for $14. That doesn't include the plastic cup "souvenir beer" which will probably run you around $18.
Being an ex-sailor and ex-drunk, I then thought about how much beer the average drunk is going to put away before they puke it all up - either at the stadium or out in the parking lot after the game in 0 degree weather. That's a lot of cash firing out of your gut either down the toilet or freezing on the sidewalk. Or even worse....
...down the head, neck, and back of the person sitting in front of you who just bought their ticket this morning on StubHub for $5000. Which most likely would turn into a massive brawl with eviction from the game and possible arrest!
Which led me to think of my most memorable barfing incident. And like I said - being a sailor and a one time drunk I have hurled many a time.
But being it is SuperBowl Sunday and it is being played in my home state - the home of the Coen brothers, Jesse Ventura, The Trashmen (Surfin' Bird), Scott LeDoux (boxer), Bob Dylan, Judy Garland, pervert Garrison Keillor, 16 time world wrestling champion Verne Gagne who in the throes of dementia body-slammed another resident - killing him in the process - at the care facility he was living at, and many other dignitaries...I decided to share my own personal GREATEST PUKING INCIDENT of my life...but the incident had to be one of the times I yakked in Minnesota...since I've vomited from Hawaii to Amsterdam.
No problem. Since my greatest kneeling before the porcelain princess story, did in fact, happen in Minnesota.
The #3 greatest upchuck was while I was in the Navy and my ship, the USS Dixie AD-14, was in the yards in Long Beach. The night before I had gotten totally shithoused smoking hash oil and drinking copious amounts of Olde English 800. Nursing a hangover that could kill a horse I almost made it through the work day without incident - even while I was in a porta john which was up on the main deck, taking a leak, and two deck apes started to push it back and forth, and shit/piss and that blue crap was sloshing all over inside. Somehow I kept it all down. But near the end of the day I was nursing a Coke and looking down at the water and saw this huge turd floating in the harbor. Back then when you flushed a toilet on a ship it pumped straight into the surrounding waters. Of all sudden, a huge sea gull dropped down into the water right next to the turd and happily gulped it down while giving a gull screech of appreciation. That was it for me! What little I had in my stomach - a microwave burrito and a Almond Joy - became the dessert for the seagull.
#2 was also while I was in the Navy in Long Beach. I was living in Savannah Navy housing in Long Beach which was part of the ghetto off of Santa Fe & PCH. A buddy of mine and I were getting high and drinking vodka. When we ran out of vodka we decided to to stroll over to Santa Fe to Anchor Liquor & pick up another jug. On the way back as we staggered down the sidewalk, we were hitting the vodka straight out of the jug and I could suddenly feel it all ready to blow! We must have been really loud because this Navy wife opened her front door and told us to "shut the fuck up because we were keeping her kids awake". I responded by calmly walking over to her car and puking all over the hood of her car and then turned and screamed at her to "Get the fuck back in the house"! Which she did! Probably to call the Shore Patrol. That taught her for trying to ruin our good clean wholesome fun! What ever happened to support the troops anyway?
But #1 - the all time personal alcohol induced vomit story happened the night before the Super Bowl when I was home on leave in Minnesota. This guy was throwing a huge bash in his apartment which was on on top of this bar in Alden, Minnesota, a tiny town just outside of Albert Lea (my hometown which isn't a whole hell of a lot bigger). The bar owner was there so every time a keg went dry he'd just pop downstairs and grab another. There was a shitload of bikers there and they had mixed up this punch in a 50 gallon trash can. At the time when I was drinking the punch I had no idea what was in it, but it gave you this incredible urge to drink more and more of it. Finally, after it ran out, you could see a white residue in the bottom of the can and one of the bikers told me that they had mixed over 200 hits of speed in it!
After that, everybody, while talking the speed of sound, started to hammer down the beer, and I drank so much that I felt that if I poured anymore down my throat it would run out of my mouth. Since the party was just starting to roll, I decided the best thing was to discretely sneak out the door and barf in the back alley - giving me more room in my gut so I could drink more. I walked out on to the back outdoor steps but the urge to barf was so intense so I simply hung my head over the railing and let go!
It had to easily have been 30 degrees below zero without the wind chill and the geyser of puke (the relief was was so great it just felt wonderful - I could have done it all over again it felt so good) cascaded down on to the windshield of the car below me - freezing instantly! I then returned to the party which went on until the sun came up. I woke up that evening with a hangover so severe I thought that I may have had a stroke! I can't imagine what it was like scraping that windshield that SuperBowl morning.
I've got a feeling that tonight after the SuperBowl (because this is Minnesota, home of the some of the greatest alcoholics in history) - whether it's the Patriots or the Eagles that's crowned the World Champions - that someone is going to have to scrape some nachos and hot dogs off of their windshield.
$18 dollars for a beer or not!
***And remember Uber charges anywhere from $25 to $150 to clean puke up in their cars.***
